we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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