The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
