so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
