I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
