YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
