My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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