An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
