The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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