Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
