the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i think i have two assholes
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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