Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later