Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party