This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN