I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
