remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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