1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
