I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
