haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
