I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
