she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
