You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
