I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
