She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
two words...techno handjob
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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