eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
