the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
