How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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