He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
