Already got asked if we're dating
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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