I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize