while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
