Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
