My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
