areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
