I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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