the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
