Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
