Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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