Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I touched a dick in church today
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
