so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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