when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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