One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
