i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
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But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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