My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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