We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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