My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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