Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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