he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
