Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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