i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
