'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.