Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
