Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
