You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
