I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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