Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
