god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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