2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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