a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sober January is a disaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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