I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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