Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
